A GOY IS A GOY.......
A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds at the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a 8 BR magnificent mansion in  Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes!"

A NEW WINE
Have you heard that Manischewitz Wines has bought out Christian Brothers? The new company will be called Manishaygetz.

AMAZING GOLDSTEIN
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Jewish man. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"

BRISKET JUST LIKE BUBBE MADE IT
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket  before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket." Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great -grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?" "I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"

FIFY DOLLARS
Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the State Fair every year. Every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." One year Morris and Esther went to the Fair \and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you  to yell out, but you didn't." Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but ........fifty dollars........ is fifty dollars.

FOUR JEWISH LADIES
Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long." One of the other ladies says, "Well, since we are having true confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry. I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have been friends for too long." Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make."

HASSIDIC MAN OPPORTUNITY
A Hassidic man is standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished checking in, and is on her way to the elevator, when she sees the Hassidic. She stops dead in her tracks and walks over to him. "Hi" she says "hullo" he answers "I have a confession to make to you," she says he nods "I have a sexual fantasy". he nods "I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with his payess. in fact I want you now, and I have a room upstairs, will you join me for half an hour." He looks at her thoughtfully and says
"AND WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME"?

JEWISH GRANDMA
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries:
Lord, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to the B'nai B'rith?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

JEWISH KNIGHT
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder..... "Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot." Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

KISS
Morris and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie's face was severely burned. The doctor told Morris that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Morris offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his tuchas.
Morris and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin! One day, she was alone with Morris and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

OY VEY!
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
*~*~*
My Mother is a typical Jewish mother Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
*~*~*
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
*~*~*
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
*~*~*
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
*~*~*
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
*~*~**
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
*~*~**
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
*~*~**
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
*~*~**
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish.
*~*~**
If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even, if you are Jewish
*~*~**
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in
front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.
*~*~**
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?"
Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."
*~*~**
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers.
He was asked to spell "cultivate" and he spelled it correctly. 
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded:
 "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
*~*~**
Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name....
and forgot to write a letter.
*~*~**
Three Jewish women got together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
*~*~**
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
- Under same management for over 5763 years.
- Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this Shabbat.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat.
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
*~*~**
Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- Come on Baby Light my Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
*~*~**
A well-meaning gentile from Connecticut, upon getting to Washington on his vacation, is about to enter Senator Lieberman's office when a Capitol Building guard stops him. "I'm sorry, Sir," the guard explained. "Senator Lieberman is doing Mincha and Mariv at this time." The gentile walks away shaking his head, saying: "Hmmm, Clinton only had Monica.

RESORTS
Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He  was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

THE ART OF JEWISH MOTHERHOOD

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it
is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with the hat? Why can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing good money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something out your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, Moishe. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.

THE RABBI'S WIDOW
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."

TENNIS CLUB
Samuel Moskovitz is talking to a friend of his, bemoaning the fact that he couldn't join the Grosse Point Tennis Club. I don't understand it," he said, "I told them my name is Samuel Moskovitz and dat I vanted to join their club.""Sammy," his friend says, "The club's restricted. They won't let Jews join." But Sammy really wants to
join. So he takes speech lessons, learns about boats, even tries to eat corned beef on white bread with lettuce and mayonnaise. One year later, he appears at the same door wearing a three-piece conservative suit with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm. The official at the reception desk says, "May I help you, sir?" Yes," Sammy replies in a clipped New England accent, "I am here to inquire about membership in your esteemed establishment." What is your name?" asks the man. Sammy replies, "My name is Winthrop van Horton the Third." And where do you live?" he asks. "Why, Connecticut of course," replies Sammy. What is your income?"  is the next question. My wealth is something I never discuss with strangers," replies Sammy, "but I don't mind telling you that I own skyscrapers in Manhattan, and several factories in northern New Jersey." Just one more question before you become a member, 'What is your religious affiliation?'" Sammy's chest swells with pride as he says,
"I am a Goy."

On a plane, headed for Dallas-Fort Worth, two boisterous Texans are sitting in the aisle and window seats, with an old Jewish man between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place "The Jolly Roger." The second Texan says, "Well, you can call  me John. I own 2 million acres, with 5000 head of cattle. Folks call my place Big Johns." They both look expectantly at the old Jewish man who finally offers, "My name is Irving Mendelbaum, and I own, I think, 500 acres. Maybe a little less." Roger looks down at him and says, "500 Acres? What the hell can you raise on 500 acres?"
"Feh! I don't raise anything", replies Irving. "Well, then, what do you call it?"
asked John. "Oy, what should I call it?" replies Irving. "I guess, Downtown Dallas."

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex.
I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow"? " What! You're coming empty handed?"

There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Christian cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross. A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but not to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're  sitting beside a beggar who has a cross." The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the Christian cross beggar, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing........"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, "They'll find us."

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi , so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

Eternal Jewish Truths from "Bubbie's Talmud"
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Never pay retail.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Next year in Jerusalem. This year, how about a nice cruise?
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, 'Is it true that men and women don't dance together?'
'Yes,' says the rabbi, 'For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.'
'So I can't dance with my own wife?'
'No.'
'Well, okay,' says the man, 'But what about sex?'
'Fine,' says the rabbi. 'A mitzvah within the marriage!'
'What about different positions?' the man asks.
'No problem,' says the rabbi.
'Woman on top?' the man asks.
'Why not?' replies the rabbi.
'How about doggie-style?'
'Of course!'
'Well, what about standing up?'
'NO!' says the rabbi....
'Why Not???' asks the man.
'Could lead to dancing!'

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock."What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money ... the Jews control the banks ... the Jews control the press ... the Jews control Hollywood... It's all good news!"

THINGS YOU NEVER LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
No meal is complete without leftovers
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca.
WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price,you can't afford it.
But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon

JEWISH QUIZ
If you are an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or dating a Jew there are certain things you must know to survive.
Take (or give) this quiz
to see if you've learned enough to function in your Jewish family:

  1. There are no Jews living in
      a.sin
      b. El Paso
      c. trailer parks
  2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
      a. dust the tchatchkes
      b. make latkes
      c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings
  3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
      a. gentle
      b. housebroken
      c. stuffed
  4. Jews spend their vacations:
      a. sightseeing
      b. sunbathing
      c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where
          they'll spend their next one.
  5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
      a. up on the newest styles
      b. entitled to free haircuts
      c. not Jewish
  6. Wilderness means
      a. no running water
      b. no electricity
      c. no hot and sour soup
  7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
      a. jogging
      b. tennis
      c. walking from the patio to the pool
  8. Jews never drive
      a. unsafely
      b. on Saturdays
      c. eighteen wheelers
  9. A Jewish skydiver is
      a. careful
      b. insured
      c. an apparition
10. Jews never sing
      a. off-key
      b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blue"
      c. around a piano bar
12. Jews are ambivalent about
      a. vegetarianism
      b. Jesse Jackson
      c. Absolutely nothing
Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b," 3 for each "c."
32-36: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jewish people. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully out of desire for true closeness, plus you  respect their traditions, or you're from New York, New Jersey, Florida, or Boston.

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"  grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fuckin Jew'."

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life." God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth." "But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?" "Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.
After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit.
When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."
Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop.
There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."
"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus." After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise decision.
The sign that went up the next day read: "Lord & Taylor."

HAPPY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.
Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the sins are cast out where they can be devoured by fish.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For erotic sins.........................French Bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins.....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...............Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs.............Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.........Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..............Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism..........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony..................Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly..........Tarts
For causing injury to others......Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles....Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes..................Crackers
For sophisticated racism..........Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou.........Bagels
For abrasiveness... .................Grits
For dropping in without notice...Popovers
For overeating.........................Stuffing
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography.........Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often..Challah
For pride and egotism...............Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, !!!-kissing........Brownies
For being overly smothering.......Angel Food Cake
For laziness.............................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment......Dumplings
and in keeping with this message:
For telling bad jokes/puns........Corn Bread