A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so
the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as
fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but
did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
***
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer. "Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot. "$4,000," says the shop owner proudly. "Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!" "To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."***
One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher. Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!" "Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"***
What do you call memory loss in a parrot? Polynesia.***
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked. "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus," the parrot replied.
***
A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it's tweetable."***
A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off her parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth says: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"***
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind. She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others. Son #1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Son #2 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Son #3 had to do something even better, so he decided to give her his most prized possession, a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could name any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't like to go out anymore, and the chauffeur is a nuisance, so please return the car." Then she surprised her second son by saying, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's much for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Finally, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."***
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated.***
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, reading scripture to the bird, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but it continued to spew profanities at a remarkable rate. Finally Jon was fed up. He yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. In desperation, Jon finally grabbed the bird and shut him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing he had killed the foul-mouthed bird, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my crude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions and fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "By the way, what did the TURKEY DO?"***
A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"