1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn't.
  2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
  4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be when I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
____________________________________________________________________

  1. I'm nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
  2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
  3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
  4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's Left.
  5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
  6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops.
      On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
  7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
  8. The Best of Proverbs:
      Should women have children after 35? - No, 35 children are enough
  9. Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
10. Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!
11. ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY! So what? Who's in a hurry?
12. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop
13. A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
_____________________________________________________________________